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Property Description
12 MONTH TENANCY WITH FIXED RENT
The sublime is instantiated around us in many ways, in this case the universe has manifested it in the form of this eccentrically decorated; mostly unfurnished; capacious; alarmed, detached 4 bedroom property – with a paved driveway!
Now, if your aesthetic sympathies incline towards the anodyne, antiseptic, interiors redolent of the emotional blandness of modernist art, then its eclectic décor most definitely won’t appeal to you.
And if you have pets, then this house’s discordant colour scheme – especially the Prince/Hendrix room – won’t appeal to them either as it plays havoc with their senses; driving them insane. And just because there is a room named after a couple of pop stars, doesn’t mean the house is available to students – it doesn’t have a HMO licence – sorry.
If, however, you don’t have any creatures in tow; are not a student, and are endowed with a more discursive aesthetic palate, open to savouring heterogeneous tastes, then you won’t find another house quite like this in the whole property universe!!!!!
Disclaimer
Ok, ok, ok, ok…before you start complaining to the Advertising Standards Authority/Committee of Advertising Practice/Property Ombudsman/BBC’s Watchdog/Daily Mail, for yet another egregiously misrepresentative lettings advert, lets just get one thing straight…This is not a normal house; so this a not normal advert.
Think of a landlord who has a fantastical vision of his property – I know that’s very hard to do. A landlord whose mind has been warped by reading far too much Terry Pratchett; so expect metaphysical/hyperbolic sales patter.
And, if that last paragraph does not make it abundantly clear to you, and to avoid legal actions from Extraterrestrial Entities turning up to use the cupboard under the stairs, only to be distraught that what was promised to be there was not (see description below), then to be even more blunt….
All of this description, everything that has gone before, and which follows, is purely the product of the febrile imaginings of the landlord.
Furthermore, and perhaps most importantly (!), this ‘imaginative’ description, is in no ways to be construed as wholly factually accurate; it may to a greater, or lesser extent, and/or not at all (which is more likely), reflect the empirical attributes of the property. The photographs of the latter, however, and all its stated dimensions are real, as is the property itself – in this version of the multiverse anyway.
Location (apparently its very important)
The house is situated in the sleepy salubrious olde market town of Hitchin, which unlike London, has more trees than fried chicken shops. The ratio of pubs to trees is pretty even though.
If boozing ain’t your thing, then there is a thriving café scene. And by the latter, I don’t mean Starbucks either, though they do have one of those corporate monsters, as well as more artisan places that serve ‘real’ coffee.
These are in easy walking distance from house, which will also take you in to the heart of the town. And also within similar easy walking distance, through a leafy park, will take you to the mainline choo-choo station, which will whisk you (if there are no: strikes; engineering works; ducks on the line) into into the grimy belly of London. But if you are more the jet set type, then Luton airport is a short drive away. No matter, however, where you fly off to, as Dorothy observed, there really is ‘No place like home’.
And that’s exactly what the house will quickly come to feel like, as you are beguiled by the rainbow of rooms which resonate with the different wavelength dispositions of the human condition. And just like the latter, don’t expect what follows to be rational…
The Hallway Room
‘The hallway is not a room!’ You might exclaim in exasperation. And, you are absolutely right; it is not ‘A’ room, in fact it is ‘THE’ room of the house – its beating heart. It pumps waves of electrical energy (ECIR compliant) throughout the property, and from its main arterial vein, you can access all the other ‘proper’ rooms of the house.
The Wooden Retreat
Had a really, really, bad day? Feel like that you just opened Pandora’s Box of misery and you can’t even find Hope!
Then don’t despair (!) just retire to the soothing serenity of the orange room; bathe yourself in its warm glow.
Kick off your shoes; socks, place your naked feet on the restored, all natural, waxed, wooden floors, and feel Gaia’s raw, preternatural, positive energy surging into you – and realise that you are loved by the universe!
And if you crave more sensory stimulation, then turn on the magical (it has esoteric runes on it) gas (SAFE) fireplace, and watch the flames prance around the fake coals more entertainingly than the fake contestants on Strictly Come Dancing.
The Prince/Hendrix room
You don’t have to like, or even know who, Prince and Hendrix are to appreciate the Experience of the purple coloured room.
With its Art Deco purple lined gas (SAFE) fireplace; crimson purple carpet; purple pink walls, it is a room to be Experienced.
What the latter will be, however, is an unknown; because like all good Experiences, it is contingent upon the neuronal-chemical disequilibrium of the individual Experiencing the Experience.
Hence, this cannot communicated qualitatively – unless you are a musical genius – it simply has to be Experienced.
The Party Room
The kitchen’s minimal modernist aesthetic, is a perfect symbiosis of clinical form and function; and everything indeed does work!
It has all the necessary appliances: Samsung fridge freezer (which is PAT checked); NEFF gas cooker; Indesit dishwasher, and all of these come with instructions. In addition, but with no instructions, there is a stainless steel Baumatic extractor fan, and of course a sink.
And, as if all that wasn’t enough (!), the kitchen/diner is the perfect space to hold a party – but please no trashing it!
And if you do make a mess, the house comes with a fancy hulking great Dyson Hoover, with a plethora of attachments. Despite having the instructions, I’ve never actually quite worked out how to use all of them – maybe you will be able to? And careful, the suction is really is quite powerful but the hoover is PAT checked.
The Washing Machine Room
A utility space in which pride of place is taken by the fantastically efficient Zanussi washing (but no drying) machine. It comes with full instructions; is PAT checked; and is still covered by John Lewis’s warranty!
The Waterfall Room
The downstairs bathroom’s spacious walk-in shower is so powerful it will not just cleanse your body, it will purge your very soul, leaving you feeling existentially rejuvenated.
Its not just the shower itself that helps you decompress, the whole bathroom is designed to that end. Not least by its neutral grey/black/white colour scheme.
Furthermore, the cool marble floor mitigates the blazing heat of summer; while the large, double, antique iron radiator (the kind that they used to have in schools) renders tame the fiercest wintry chill.
Hence, whatever the weather outside, when you emerge from your purging, you will be perfectly acclimatised.
The Room With No Name (but you can give it one)
Adjoining the back of the house, but accessed from the garden, this is wired for power. And it’s kind of like a Swiss Army knife; it has potentially many uses; all depending upon your competencies and needs. Hence, a very pragmatic room, whether that be for DIY; please don’t start knocking down walls! Or it could become a home office/tech innovation hub where you create the next Amazon; I want a 10% cut.
The room comes equipped with a little wheeled trolley, which will be helpful for moving bulky items from the house if you want to use this space simply for storage. No dead bodies though please.
The Garden Room
Who says the garden can’t be a room? It is enclosed by fences, and even has a running water tap. If you’re feeling peckish, no need to walk to the kitchen, there is nature’s larder of grubs. And sleeping on the grass is far better for your spine than a soft bed.
Plus, rather than prosaic ceiling paint, you have the infinite moving canvas of the sublime sky to sooth you into sleep and greet you when you awake. Although, admittedly the garden might look a bit gloomy in the pictures; the weather was rather melancholy on the day the photographer visited.
Nonetheless, even resplendently illuminated by the sun, the garden admittedly isn’t as nice, or even as big, as the next-door neighbours; theirs is absolutely magnificent – and they are a lovely couple too!
Nonetheless, the property’s garden is a haven of tranquility, a quality which, arguably, is not contingent on either aesthetic merits, or spatial dimensions, and which is the secret essence of all excellent garden’s.
And while you are out there, could you maybe mow the grass please? There is a – PAT checked – Qualcast electric lawnmower just waiting to go psycho killer on the grass.
The Hanky Panky Bedroom
The Master Bedroom – with its massive wardrobe; walk in closet – is the biggest single room in the house. It has plenty of space for you to get up to whatever you fancy! And a toilet/sink conveniently located next to it should you need to tidy up after/before.
The Movie/Bedroom
If you like Black and White films; you’ll love the smallest bedroom because you will think that that you are in monochrome RKO movie (!) with its white walls/ceilings and thick black carpet.
And with the black blinds, to block out the sun, it’s the ideal space to lose yourself in the soporific glow of a big flat wide-screen TV (which is stingily not supplied). The shelf, painted black, located on a wall; is perfect for placing a digital viewing box (also not supplied) without cluttering up the room.
So, if you have a home cinema entertainment system, if you put it in here, all its visual/sound effects will be enhanced by virtue of the room’s cosy dimensions. It will just be like sitting in the front row of an IMAX cinema; without the annoyance of people chatting in the seats behind you!
Although no visual/sound equipment is supplied – there might be some out-of-date popcorn in one of the cupboards.
If, however, the idea of a mini-cinema room does not appeal, the space can still comfortably accommodate a single bed, or even…a bunk bed! But please, no subletting!
The Boring Bedroom
This is so bland and mediocre, that it is a struggle to remain awake while concocting fantastical adjectives to exaggerate its features. And it has that effect, to induce somnambulism even in the most recalcitrant of insomniacs. That, however, I guess is just what you want from a bedroom, so in that sense it’s perfect.
The Happy Bedroom
With its large Ikea wooden desk, whether you use it or not, you will find the sunny uplands of this room stimulating your cognitive powers, whether awake or sleep. The luminescent yellow resonating with your synapses, so that your brain is fizzing with creative ideas.
The Exorcist Room
For Health and Safety reasons you are debarred from entering the loft. Even going up there during the bright shiny daytime, it is a scary place.
The Hard Sell
So there you go, you will agree whatever else, a very unique property. So, quick arrange a viewing before the tenancy is snapped up by some colour blind billionaire tired of his mundane mansions/yachts, and who craves an altogether more distinctive residence.
And what’s more, if you come and take a look, and you don’t like the house; you can – FREE OF CHARGE (!) – use the inter-dimensional portal in the cupboard under the stairs to travel to an alternative parallel reality full of characterless, bland, rental properties!
Energy efficiency rating: 49, Band – E
Please note, by submitting an enquiry regarding this property you agree that we may send your details to the landlord of this property so they may contact you in order to answer any questions, or arrange a convenient viewing time. STRICTLY NO AGENT OR SUB-LETTING CALLS.
